I need to tell you that God is so in control.

Or maybe, I need to tell myself.

The last three weeks have been a whirlwind, to say the least. "19 year old college student" is not something I look like, feel like, or understand. But "African mother of ten, and then 150" is something that no one around me seems able to grasp.

It is this huge alone-ness.

People ask me if I think I have taken on more than I can handle. No, I don't believe God's plan for anyone will ever be more than he or she can handle.

People ask me how I will continue to provide for my family, after all, as a nursing major taking 19 hours, I can only work about 15 hours a week. I wonder, when these people ask this, if they have ever met me? "GOD WILL PROVIDE" has been the party line for quite some time now, and I don't know why it is hard for people to understand. What that means is that yesterday I got a thousand dollar check in the mail that will pay rent and employees this month. Next week He will send another one that will help pay for electricity. When we run out of food, He will send more. I am not naive, and I am not stupid. I am DEPENDANT. I depend on a God who, I am certain, loves my children even more than I do and desires to give them life to the fullest.

I will spend a whole presentation talking about the 150 kids in my program and MY ten children who live in my house, who I feed and clothe and teach and love, who my heart aches for every single minute of every single day. And at the end of the presentation someone will say "oh, they call you mommy? that's cute..." And I want to say WHAT? What do you think they call me? MY CHILDREN who I feed and clothe and teach and love and who my heart aches for every minute of every day, what do you think they should call me? Just because they don't share my genes, or my skin color, or my ridiculously extravagant american life-style, they are not REALLY my children? wake up.

People ask me if i ever feel overwhelmed. When I answer yes, they ask me why, then, don't I "scale back". Ha. again I want to say WHAT. If I asked to quit your family, would you say ok? If i asked you to pick one of your children to throw away, to forget about, to stop loving, could you do it? Of course not. This is not a business, I can't just make some cuts. We are talking about people's LIVES.

I was watching a Dane Cook video this morning (yes, sometimes I do normal college student things) For those of you who don't know Dane Cook is a hilarious, though sometimes vulgar comedian. I am not always a fan. But this morning he was talking about something that really spoke to me. He talked about those infomercials on TV with the little African girl with flies on her face playing in a puddle - you know the one. He talked about how the kind old man in his new khaki pants asks you nicely to send 15 cents to feed this little kid. And we flip the channel. Dave Cook says its the nice old guy's fault. He argues that the nice old guy should instead be some leather-wearing, beard growing, intimidating guy who yells at you to get off your couch. It is heart breakingly true.

I spend most of my time painting My God and My Savior as this "nice", compassionate, loving being who is gentle and kind and cuddles these kids and rocks them to sleep. I believe that He is that. But My God is also a that intimidating guy in the leather jacket yelling at us to get up off our couches. A Warrior who throughout history has battled ferociously for his people. Our God is no meek, nice old man in khaki pants, asking us kindly to feed the children. No. He is this Mighty, Awesome Father who would fight, who would battle, who would DIE.

I'm not going to go so far as to say "no one understands". Some people do. The Murthas do. The Mays Family, even little Connor does. The Allens do. Brandi and Erin do. Gwen and Suzanne do. Mike Whipps and his family does. My mother who is nice to me and does my laundry even when I am too stressed out to thank her does. My roommate who does my grocery shopping for me so that I don't starve does. I really am blessed.But some people don't. And sometimes my sweet, innocent, "nice" little self wants to yell at these people to WAKE UP. Don't ask me if I have taken on more than I can handle - I'm just trying my best to live in the middle of God's plan for me. Don't ask me how I will pay the water bill this month - I DON'T KNOW. But it will happen. Don't ask me why my children call me "Mommy" - because I am their MOTHER. Don't ask me if I might "cut back" - of course I won't. God is up there yelling at us to get off our couches and I am just trying to do so.

It is this huge alone-ness.

But He is filling it. Slowly, but carefully with people who understand, people who care, people who don't mind just doing some laundry or grocery shopping, or paying this month's water bill so my home can continue to provide showers and drinking water for my village. Just when I drain the bank account to buy this week's food, He sends the money for the rent. Just when I think my heart will explode with longing, I get a phone call from a little chocolate colored person on the other side of the world who misses me and loves me and is just waiting for me to come home. He is providing, He is working, He is in control.

Prayer requests:

For my children's hearts, that they would know that I am not apart from them because I want to be. Jesus's disciples were sad when He went to die, but He assured them He would be back. "If I don't go, no help will come." I'm sure He didn't really want to leave either.

That God, in His own timing would continue to provide for this ministry and work through me, all my employees, and all my wonderful friends that are helping me here in the U.S.

That we would seek not His permissive will, but His PERFECT one.

For all who are cold. and hungry. and hurting. That we would continue to reach them one life at a time.