i know i haven't updated in a while, but that does not mean God isn't working. for me, Africa is not the hard part. being here is. some days i feel that my soul has been ripped out, that my purpose has been taken away. but i know that is not the case. the Lord is merciful. even in my stubbornness, He is teaching me that my purpose is HIM and my purpose is HERE.
in uganda, i delight in being a mother. to the 6 little girls that live in my house, to the 150 children in my program, to hundreds of neighbors and friends and orphans i am "mommy". i fix things; i make it "all better". a broken toy, a torn t-shirt, a skinned knee, a crushed spirit, i find joy in being able to mend. as i sit here, i know that my heavenly Father finds the same kind of joy in restoring me. HE RESTORES MY SOUL. and i am learning to sit, and listen and BE here, because here is where He has me.
growing up, one of my favorite stories was the story of the velveteen rabbit. the story starts out with the rabbit, fluffy and beautiful, "just as a rabbit should be", but all the rabbit wanted was to be REAL. they boy who owns the rabbit loves the rabbit to tatters, his velveteen fur becomes worn and his stuffing starts to come out. "so much love stirred in his little sawdust heart that it almost burst. And into his boot-button eyes, that had long ago lost their polish, there came a look of wisdom and beauty, so that even Nana noticed it next morning when she picked him up, and said, 'I declare if that old Bunny hasn't got quite a knowing expression!'" the boy love the bunny "so hard" that he loved his whiskers off and the pink fur on his ears turned gray. he gets so ugly that nana throws him out. and only then, when he is worn and tattered and ugly does the fairy come and make him a REAL rabbit, all sparkly and new, who can run and play with other real rabbits.
so here i am. at the beginning of this story i was sparkling and beautiful, just as a teenage girl from brentwood "should be". but now i am here, ugly and tattered and just plain worn out. theses beautiful dirty people have loved the whiskers right off of me. i am hurt and i am scarred, but you know what? I AM REAL. that is what it is to be real. to love and to be loved until there is nothing left. and that is when God takes us and make us whole, makes us real. at the end of the story, the bunny wasn't just patched up or glued back together, no, he was made whole. transformed. made fully NEW. God's love make us real, makes us new, sets us free. that is why i am here. i am hurt and my stuffing is all falling out, but it is only because i have been LOVED TO TATTERS, and now He is making me whole.
and i am grateful. grateful for the hurt and for the scars and for the tears that make me HIS.
love. and be loved. and you are real.
